When our family began the journey of adoption 4.5 years ago, we weren’t really sure where the road would take us. We definitely had no idea what our family would look like or all the blessings God would bestow upon us. It wasn’t a decision we took lightly and it certainly wasn’t without fear that we said Yes to not 1 but 2 children now. Looking back it feels like we’ve come so far just to be standing back in the same place of question, doubt, and worry.
The trip we took to bring Easton home was one of the hardest of my life. We questioned everything we had done and wondered what God’s plan was for Him to bring us across the world to love a child who wanted nothing to do with us. We couldn’t see the light! We spent our days crying and praying and trying to get this kid to relax a little! Here we are 2.5 years later and I couldn’t ask for a more perfect fit for our family. Sure we have our rough days but that’s parenting. Hindsight is 20/20 and I’m soooo thankful Easton is our son, but in those first days together, I wasn’t sure we’d every get to this point.
Here we are again, just days away from traveling and I begin having all of those same emotions again. This time there is more depth because not only am I considering myself and my husband but also my son whom I love dearly. We are days from meeting our daughter and I tremble at the thought of the grief and loss she’s about to experience. We are ripping her from the only home she’s ever known. How will she learn to love us? How will Easton respond to a sibling? The list goes on and on of the fears I have.
Can I also just say for a moment how thankful I am for our church. God is so good, and his message is always perfect, but none seems more perfect than the series we’ve been in at church than now. Follow. What does it look like to follow Jesus? A few years back a couple ladies and I went to a conference and there were many things that resonated with me…but I’m going to list the ones that impacted me the most:
The call of God WILL interrupt you. It is NOT convenient
Being Faithful only means you are more full of faith than you are full of fear…Being Faithful does not equal being Fearless.
Then came the story of Joshua and Caleb in Numbers. They lived such a different story, a story of Faith. The promise land was waiting and they had been living in the desert for far too long. When they were sent with the others to survey the land to see if they could take it as their own they said “If God is real then lets Go take this land! Why are we still living in the desert?” There were 3 questions the rest of the spies asked as they proclaimed that they didn’t stand a chance against the giants. 1. Am I Enough 2. Are we going to be safe 3. What will it cost?
I catch myself questioning these same things as we face some pretty scary giants. Most of the time I don’t feel like enough…the good news is I don’t have to be because God Is. I fear what all it might cost our family as we bring a 2nd child home….but the more important question is what will it cost us or her if we don’t. My biggest fear is flying, I typically get sick every single time from nerves, at no point do I feel safe….From the first time I flew I decided, I’d rather be unsafe doing the will of God than avoid any danger and choose myself over Jesus.
Back to our current series at church.Follow. It truly couldn’t have come at a better time for me. And it hits the premise of all the things I loved about the first If:conference. As I was overcome with worry about leaving Easton for 3 weeks, flying across the ocean, bringing a new child home, will she love us, can we do this…on and on…I hear my pastor say these words… “Refuse to let your Fear Lead you” “God wants you to have a Faith in Him that overwhelms Fear” “There is a cost to following Jesus” “Choosing to follow Jesus will cost you something, choosing not to will cost you everything.”
I’ve never had words ring so true in my life as these have the past few weeks. I’m so thankful for this message.
As we prepare to fly around the world for our 2nd adoption, my faith is in God. This is His plan, therefore I refuse to let fear take me over. When we step on that plane, I say, I am more full of Faith than fear. We will bring this sweet girl home. And while it may not look perfect, we’ve been there before, and we know there’s beauty on the other side.
We’re going to fight through this. Fight through the fear, the grief, the loss, the confusing, the scary, and the unknown. It’s my earnest prayer that we are overcome with peace that passes all understanding in the coming weeks.
We are thankful to be on this journey and thankful our daughter is so close to being home with us. Even though we’ve never met, my heart already aches for her. The journey we are going to take is not easy, in fact in some ways it will be harder than the one we took some years ago. Please pray for her little heart. I have no doubt this will be harder on her than us. I just pray we can give her some comfort in a time of sorrow. I want our Faith to show through so strongly that she senses a peace that is beyond understandable. Only our God can make that happen.
Hold on sweet darling, your world is about to change forever, but we love you more than you might ever realize. We are full of a love that God has given us for you, and a love that will traverse many mountains and valleys. We hope to raise you with a faith that amazes those around you. A light that shines through so strong that everyone knows it’s from the Lord. You are so loved already, not only by us but by the God who created you. No amount of Fear is going to keep us from you. We’re choosing Faith! Your precious life hangs in the balance of it, and you my darling, you are worth it!